I have been spending a lot of time recently with Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, PhD. As I transition my practice from traditional mental health into clinical sexology, her insights into the energetic roots of our physical and emotional states have been hitting home—hard.
One particular point sparked a deep realization for me: Some people use their emotional wounds as their language of intimacy.
By “intimacy,” I don’t just mean sexual or romantic connection. I mean closeness to others in its broadest sense. There is a subset of people who go through life using their trauma as a form of social currency. It becomes the primary way they relate to the world, often as a subconscious maneuver to avoid the grueling, introspective personal growth required for actual healing.
The Excuse of the “Dysregulated” System
We see it everywhere now: people constantly blaming their “nervous system” or claiming they are “dysregulated” to justify behaviors that simply aren’t congruent with emotional intelligence. While the bio-psycho-social-spiritual framework I use acknowledges the reality of the nervous system, it was never meant to be a permanent “get out of jail free” card for stagnation.
This realization is part of why I’ve become bored with being a traditional mental health professional. For years, I’ve seen clients come in with issues and, regardless of the tools provided—whether it’s reading, specific activities, or cognitive restructuring—they continue the cycle of cognitive distortions and destructive behaviors. They know they have a lifetime of these patterns, yet they only want to “process” them over and over again in the therapy session.
Professionals as Tools, Not Fixers
The best clients—the ones who truly evolve—understand that mental health and sexual health professionals are tools for a path they have already decided to explore. They don’t treat every week like a new crisis and expect the sexologist to “fix” it. These clients do the heavy lifting outside the session. They come back with substantive progress to discuss because they aren’t waiting for me to do the work for them.
In my practice, I am very clear about one thing: I am not the one who should feel exhausted after a session; the client should.
Practicing Therapeutic Empathy
I operate from what I call therapeutic empathy—or what some call compassionate detachment. I am here to help alleviate suffering and provide a roadmap for sexual health and personal sovereignty, but I do not take on the emotional burdens of others.
My Journey: I have my own path, my own practices like Reiki and yoga to manage my energy, and my own foundation to maintain.
Your Journey: Your healing is your sovereign responsibility.
If you are using your wounds to build bridges, make sure those bridges lead somewhere new. Don’t let your “processing” become a permanent residence. True integrity in transition—both mine and yours—requires moving past the silence of the “blank slate” and into the radical authenticity of action.
Be well, be authentic, and do the work.
Ms. Erin
That was one of my introductory and foundations was that book that's what a lot of my work preceded some of this stuff even in trauma